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Car Stuff . . .
. . . at least it's old enough I can still work on it . . .
Posted January 11, 2006 by Mike
Gnaa-gnaa-gnaaaaaaa . . .
Crap.
My Gentleman's Express has a dead battery. How the heck did that happen? Shouldn’t I get a warning, like dim lights, or something?
Charge battery with trickle-charger.
This car has one of those worthless piece-of-crap volt meters on the dash instead of an ammeter. An ammeter would at least tell me if the system had been charging or discharging - give me a little warning (well, actually, quite a lot of warning). All the volt meter tells me is that my dead battery has 13 volts. Crap, crap, crap.
When I get this thing fixed, I’m puttin’ an ammeter in it.
I haven’t worked on a car in years, but I know it’s one of three things - a dead battery, a dead alternator, or a dead regulator. Check battery date of purchase - only a year old. Crap. Consult the EE wizards (my two brothers). After recitation of symptoms, EE Wizards both agree - it’s the alternator. Fix the alternator, and the battery should recover.
Look through stacks of books for service manual - I know I saw it just a couple of days ago. Find manual. Look up alternator - oh goody - it has an internal regulator. So replacing alternator will fix either/both the regulator and the alternator.
Look under hood - crap, crap, crap. The alternator is on the bottom of the engine, neatly sandwiched above the bottom frame cross bar, next to a steel wheel well, and under two other accessories and a radiator-engine block water hose. You’d think a straight six with enough room to stand beside would have better access to the friggin’ alternator. **sigh**. If I remove the battery maybe I can get it in from the top . . . ?
Call around. NAPA is the cheapest??? And wonder of wonders, the alternator is cheaper than a new battery. How can it be possible that something metal with moving parts is cheaper than something plastic without moving parts?? Order alternator - requires payment before order. Drive to NAPA dealer. Leave engine running in parking lot so I don’t have to risk starting with a dead battery. Order alternator. Drive home.
Charge battery with trickle-charger. Again.
Call NAPA in morning. “New” (rebuilt) alternator has come in. Jump in car, drive to NAPA. Leave engine running in parking lot so yada, yada, etc.
Back home, pull car into garage, back up as far as possible. Pop hood. Remove battery.
Charge battery with trickle-charger. Again.
Peer under hood again. Poke and prod at bits blocking access to alternator from top. Despair - really don’t want to remove all that stuff - what if something breaks?
Can’t install through wheel well due to steel wheel well wall. I REALLY, REALLY don’t want to remove all that stuff.
Can’t see pavement from above when looking into engine. Odd. Crawl under front of car - interesting - I actually fit under car! Can’t see engine at all - what’s this? It’s a steel splash/bash plate! No wonder I couldn’t see the ground from above. Annnnd it’s only got four readily-accessible screws holding it to the frame members - it’s like it was meant to be removed. Cooool ! My brother is right - they really do stay up late nights thinking this stuff up.
Pull splash/gash plate. Well looky there - if I twist it (alternator) just so, the little guy will come out slick as a whistle.
Maybe I can finish it this afternoon! Crawl out from under car - look for appropriate size sockets . . .
Hellooo? Anybody here?
Look up - Cool! Respite from an ugly job! Nephew appears on unannounced visit. With cool new digital camera and outstanding new laptop. We look at pics from Christmas gathering, discuss camera features, while I drool on the laptop (VERY slick unit this is - nice big wide display, speed of the gods, etc,.etc.). All too soon, nephew must leave for contracting job. Back to greasy hands and fingers.
Undo all alternator wires and bolts. Loosen belt. Remove alternator. Replace with new one. Reattach wires. Adjust belt tension - very difficult - can’t reach belt to test deflection very well, but finally achieve correct tension.
Hook up (charged) battery. Now for the test. Key in. Door closed (not necessary, but it shuts off the really annoying door/seatbelt buzzer). Hold breath. Turn key. **rrrummmbble, rrummmmble, rummmbble burrbble, burrbble, burrbble**.
Sweet. Inside to wash hands. Grab receipt, old alternator, and hustle back to NAPA to get core charge back.
Time to celebrate (spend core charge). Drive to local record store. Buy ABBA GOLD - Greatest Hits CD. Buy Christmas cards at card shop (half price - I'll get them out before Easter this year - really - honest, I will). Card shop has an old-fashioned glass-case candy counter - lots of neat candy not generally available, sold by the pound (or in my case, by the 50 cents). Treat myself to my favorites. Home to pig out and listen to my “new” ABBA CD.
Spend 30 minutes with toothbrush and orange goo scrubbing grease off hands/out from under fingernails while listening to CD and trying not to eat grease with sweet-treats. Not completely successful with either endeavor, but the music is great.
Try without success to keep smile from adding to face-wrinkles.
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